Sober Conversation

Does my recovery piss you off?

2011-07-31T19:46:00.000-04:00

I recently received a polite yet angry email from a gentleman named Dean (his last name was included in his email address but for reasons of anonymity I will not reveal it) who was very upset that I am "blatantly disrespecting the traditions of the program". He was referring to tradition 11 concerning personal anonymity and not mentioning that I am or have been a member of a 12 step group. He wouldn't elaborate on how or where my offense had taken place. I can only assume that he read my book, read my blog or my Sober Conversation Facebook page. He was upset enough to email me about it and wanted to know why I think I'm special and don't have to follow the rules.

This got me thinking about a few things. The first of which is that if no one ever mentioned that they were in recovery, I would not have had the pleasure of reading multiple books about people's experiences in recovery. Nor would I be able to gain insight and support from the hundreds, perhaps thousands of recovery blogs available to me not to mention articles in magazines and Tom Arnold speaking about recovery in Hollywood on Larry King Live. Would it be preferable to only speak of recovery in clandestine meetings that you can't speak of once you leave the building? It's certainly no secret that this nation has a huge problem with addiction, should one of the possible solutions be kept a secret?

Another point Dean's email brought up is the intolerance of some regarding how I maintain my recovery. I've been clean and sober for over 25 years now. I don't attend regular meetings (oops, there I go again mentioning the 12 step program) though I do occasionally speak at the rehab I graduated from. I don't speak about the program, the steps, traditions or how they should find recovery but I do tell them of my experiences and what keeps me sober. So if I don't go to meetings and I don't follow the traditions does it mean that my 25 years aren't valid years of sobriety and that I have no business speaking to anyone about recovery? Am I just a delusional "dry drunk" only moments from relapse because I have done it differently than Dean? If this is true then Dean and others like him will have a full time job monitoring other people's recovery. I certainly hope this doesn't distract them from theirs.

Aaron M. Duke

I'm Clean and Sober. Now What?

2011-05-24T09:07:00.000-04:00

Let me start by saying that the last 3 years have truly sucked. I was forced to close my business to avoid losing even more money than I already had, the economy has been terrible and the industry I have spent 20 years in has all but vanished. For years I earned over $100K per year and now after my 41st birthday I'm working for $40K. And in a bizarre twist, my mortgage hasn't gone down at all! Imagine that.

When I'm all done feeling sorry for myself, I remember a few key points; I have a healthy family, I have a home of my own, there are people that would be thrilled to make $40k, and despite all of the bitching and whining I hear, I live in an amazing country.

The most important truth I need to remember is that there would be no job, no wife, no great kids, no baseball team to coach if I hadn't gotten sober so many years ago. I would have been dead. Plain and simple. The fact is that getting clean and sober doesn't change the challenges I have to face, it only changes my ability to cope with them. I am extremely proud of the sobriety time I have accumulated but it only puts me on level ground with the rest of the human race.

I can't imagine going back to the person I used to be. I used to think I was so strong. I used to think that all of the trouble i got into made me tough but I have come to realize that real strength is going to work everyday, paying the mortgage on time, being the role model for my kids, doing the right thing every time and most of all - being grateful for everything I am blessed with.

The Irony of Strength

2010-10-13T11:08:00.000-04:00

I have often heard people speak of not having the strength to remain clean and sober or not having the strength to avoid temptation. While it is true that it does require both mental and spiritual strength to achieve any level of success getting and staying clean and sober, I have always found it ironic that people don’t believe they possess the strength to do so.

How much strength does it take to bear the pain of your addiction? How much strength does it take to keep fighting the awful truth that you have a drug and alcohol problem? How much strength does it take to continually lie to those who love you and are trying to save you? It takes an enormous amount of strength to continually live in misery.

Perhaps if all of that fight and strength was directed at not drinking or using for one single day you would be one day closer to true happiness.

Is A.A. the only way?

2010-10-01T16:18:00.000-04:00

Is completing the 12 steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous program the only way to achieve and keep a life free of drugs and alcohol?

I’m going to speak for myself on this question. When I finally hit bottom and realized that I did indeed have a drug and alcohol problem, I was introduced to A.A. by a fellow resident of the half-way house I was living in. During my first meeting I saw and heard things that made me feel both comforted as well as terribly uncomfortable. Most of the people I met greeted me warmly and seemed genuinely concerned for me. Others seemed to be annoyed by the presence of someone so young in their meeting. I heard catch phrases like just for today, keep it simple and let go and let God. At that stage in my life, let go and let God scared the crap out of me. I had absolutely no relationship with a God or any intention to begin one. I did believe that I was capable of embracing one day at a time and that was about it.

What really mattered to me was changing the absolute hell my life had become. I didn’t want to feel the misery that was with me every waking minute. The drugs and the alcohol couldn’t mask the pain I felt any longer, I wanted it to stop. I was willing to do anything at all to make it all go away. What that meant for me, was to continue to attend the A.A. meetings.

My view is this; if I was truly willing to do anything to find peace and all these people were telling me this was the way, then I had to at least give it a try. Sure there were things and people within the program to find fault with but if there was even a small chance that it would work, I had to try. If I wasn’t willing to try, then it didn’t matter what 12 step programs, book or medicine I tried. It was never going to succeed.
So is it possible to get clean and sober (and stay that way) without A.A.? Lots of things are possible, space travel, spontaneous combustion…etc. There seems to be a better chance of success with A.A.

I’m still clean and sober 24 years later. If I can do it, you can too.

www.SoberConversation.com

How did you get sober?

2010-09-26T22:32:00.000-04:00

If you have read my blog before, you know that I’ve been clean and sober for quite a while now and I typically write about my challenges and successes in staying sober. While I do speak to adolescents at the treatment facility I graduated from, my focus has been on “I’m sober, now what?” for the last few years. My nearly 25 years of sobriety have allowed me to become an average guy with a family, mortgage, goals, a fledgling writing career, ambition and all of the challenges that come with trying to live the American dream. None of which would be possible if I were still drinking and doing drugs.

I got sober at the very young age of 16. I spent 3 days in a coma after an overdose, spent time in 2 psychiatric hospitals, a half-way house and 5 months in rehab. I am extremely fortunate to be alive and able to put together a full sentence.

The one question everyone has for me is “How did you get sober?”

I don’t think it’s possible to properly describe my journey in a few paragraphs but here are some of the most important reasons.

Bottom – I reached my bottom with a coma. For me there really was only prison and death left if I continued the life I was leading. I admitted that my drug and alcohol use was out of control. I absolutely had to change.

People – I was fortunate to have met many level headed, patient, and dedicated people in treatment facilities and Alcoholics Anonymous that gave both their time and energy. Without them I may not be writing this.

Belief – Call it whatever your comfortable with; God, the Universe, your Higher Power… I believed that there was a better life for me. I believed that had to be some sunshine in my future. I didn’t know what it was or where to find it, but I believed that I would find it if I stayed clean and sober just for today.

Hard Work – I did the things that I had to whether I wanted to or not. I stayed away from people and places I knew were trouble. I went to meetings every day. I asked myself hard the hard questions even when I didn’t like the answers. I drank water and soda.

The good news is that if I can do it, anyone can do it.

How are you doing today?

My Identity Keeps Me Clean and Sober

2010-09-23T14:25:00.008-04:00

The last two years have been extremely challenging for me. I had to close my printing company to avoid getting further in debt, the economy has made it very difficult to find a rewarding job that pays anywhere close to what I'm used to making, my confidence has been shaken and I've begun to question many things I believe in. Perhaps it is a perfect storm of self doubt, bad economic times, getting laid off and the fact that I just turned 40!

What hasn't changed is my sobriety. If ever there was a time to rationalize smoking a joint or having a drink it would have been in the last year. Never once during that time did I ever considered drugs or alcohol as a form of relief or escape. Why is that? I took some time to really think about why I'm still clean and sober for over 24 years now.

During my struggle with drugs and alcohol, the thing that kept me using and drinking was my identity. A drunk and an addict was what I knew and who I was. I didn't believe that better things were ahead of me, I didn't have hopes and dreams, and I certainly didn't believe that I deserved a better life than I was living. I believed that I was a screw-up, I believed that any effort to better myself was a waste of time and that if I could just get wasted, none if it would matter. Those beliefs kept me looking for the next high to ease the pain instead of dealing with the source of the pain.

Ironically it is my beliefs that have kept me clean and sober for all of these years. I don't look to drugs and alcohol to solve my problems because that's no who I am now. Getting wasted isn't even on my radar screen because I'm not that person any more. My focus is on fixing the problem instead of running away from it. My thoughts and behaviors over the last 24 years have created a new healthy identity a strong as my old destructive identity. Years ago how I viewed myself kept me from getting sober, now how I view myself keeps me from being a drunk.

Denial and Dissatisfaction

2009-11-18T19:34:00.001-05:00

For those of you who don’t know me, I have been clean and sober for nearly 23 years. I nearly killed myself before realizing that I had a problem with booze and drugs. My denial was strong and it was coupled with my ignorance. It never occurred to me that the life I was living was much different than the life of my friends and schoolmates. At some point it should have occurred to me that I had never received a single invitation to the psychiatric hospitals and rehabs. Psychiatrists, family members and emergency room doctors had placed me there without them asking me. My life was not in my control at all.

Amazingly, I wasn’t dissatisfied with the life I was living. Denial is one thing but I really wasn’t too concerned with the fact that I was in a locked psychiatric unit wearing nothing but a hospital gown and slippers with smiley faces on the toes. I had 3 great meals per day, absolutely no responsibility or any schedule to speak of. I was OK with this! Frightening, I know.

It seems to me that one of my biggest problems was a complete lack of vision, goals, dreams or desires. It’s hard to be dissatisfied with life when you expect nothing from it. I was in the words of Jimi Hendrix “Existing, Nothing but existing”. There was no Why for me to get my life in order. I was well aware of all the bad things that could happen to me. My family and teams of doctors had all told me of the horrors that awaited me if I continued down my path of drug and alcohol abuse. It is hard to change when you have no dissatisfaction with the way things are. What was missing was all of the wonderful things that would happen if I gained control of my life. These were things that I had never considered or dreamt about. As it turns out they included marrying an amazing woman, raising two happy little boys, owning a business for ten years and helping others to find happiness. I am happy and blessed.
What are your goals, dreams or desires?

Community Speaking Engagement

2009-09-03T11:34:00.001-04:00

Do you know someone that struggles with an addiction? Would you recognize the signs in your teenager? - Join me for a discussion about how answering 5 basic questions can help beat an addiction and lead to happiness.

Register Today!

Carver Public Library - September 17th from 6:30 - 7:30pm
108 Main Street
Carver, MA 02330
508-866-3415
soberduke@gmail.com

Difference Makers

2009-09-01T19:26:00.001-04:00

If you have read my book or know anything about me, you know that I got clean and sober at the very young age of 16. You can make the argument that I was too young to truly be addicted and have done any real damage, but destroying my family life, stays in four different hospitals and a 3-day coma are all the proof I needed.

So what was it that not only got me clean and sober but kept there for 22 years and counting?

Two things; comfort level and identity. I was pretty used to being “the screw up” in my family and at school. It was who I was. It was how I acted. I wasn’t thrilled with my place in life but it was easy and comfortable. Changing who I was would mean changing what I did and how I thought, which would be right out of my comfort zone. I guess the pain I knew was easier to tolerate than the pain I didn’t know.

When my dissatisfaction with my situation (yes it took a coma to make me dissatisfied) became greater than my resistance to change, I finally got clean and sober. What kept me sober was the change in my identity. I started to believe that I was person with potential as opposed to a screw up. I started building on small success that backed up my beliefs that I had potential. After receiving my one year medallion it really hit home that this is who I am now. I was a seventeen year old sober guy that had many friends and supporters in AA an NA, went on commitment meetings to speak with people in other groups and I was actually enjoying it. I wasn’t tempted to go back to my old life and habits because that wasn’t who I was anymore, it wasn’t what I did anymore, it just didn’t fit the new me. If you are interested in building igloos then bags of hot sand wouldn’t interest you. Just one man’s opinion.

22 years of sobriety in a row! How?

2009-08-27T10:54:00.002-04:00

I got sober when I was 16 years old. I know it seems awfully young but it was precipitated by stays in 2 psychiatric hospitals, a suicide attempt/drug overdose, a 3-day coma, a halfway house and a 5 month long stay in a rehab. I did a lot of damage in a few short years. I believe the one of the biggest reasons I got sober and stayed sober is because I completely changed my identity and circumstances. I stopped hanging around with my old friends and found new ones in NA-AA. I also took a job as a maintenance man in a rehab my town. I went to a meeting everyday without fail. I joined a group that I liked and went on commitment meeting to speak at other groups. I tried to replace all my old habits with new positive ones. No it was not easy. Life still continues to be challenging at times but for the first time in my life I believe I am in a position to be able to help others. Living a productive and positive life is not as difficult as was because I did the hard work in the beginning and didn't quit when times got tough.

Grab the steering wheel.

2009-08-24T13:47:00.003-04:00

All the circumstances that have formed my life have all changed. Everything that I know and rely on right now will change. Some folks like change, I personaly am a huge fan of change. Some folks truly dislike change, my wife being one of them. Regardless of you feelings on change it is going to happen. The real trick is to understand that you have some say in how change will happen. You can either let it happen and wait for the outcome or you can affect change by your behavior and decisions. If you keep drinking and getting high the changes will not be pretty. If you stop your destructive behavior the changes will be for the better. My father told me a hundred times; " A year from now you will be one year older. Who you are and what you are in one year is up to you". I hope someone hears that and uses it a lot quicker than I did.

Old lessons being learned again.

2009-08-12T18:26:00.004-04:00

When I get into work every morning the first thing I do is to write in my journal. I write about what I'm grateful for, what I'm trying to achieve, and generally how I'm feeling. I also write "today I will...." and write what I'm going to do today to get me one step closer to my goals. I noticed that in trying to keep myself positive and focused daily I write things that sound an awful lot like the bumper stickers I refused to put on my car. I've been sober for quite a while now and have had a chance to hear a bunch of different views and philosophies on sobriety and success and you know, they all seem very similar. I guess in my long rambling manner I'm saying that all the things I have heard in meetings and all the sayings I've grown numb to, have great meaning to people when they need it. I had forgotten about "One day at a time". With the stresses of running my businesses and trying to be the best husband and father I can, it seems that "One day at a time has more meaning to me now than it did when I first got sober. Whatever you get meaning and support from, grab hold of it and wear it out. Life changes so much so fast that sometimes I find myself back at the beginning. Thanks for listening.

I'm clean and sober... now what?

2009-08-07T19:49:00.001-04:00

Have you been clean and sober for some time now, maybe a year or so? Are you wondering what’s next? In my case it was at about ten years of sobriety when I realized that there had to be more finally being happy than just not using. After ten years of sobriety I was still living in a crappy apartment, working at a job I didn’t want and living paycheck to paycheck.

While I was completely grateful for my sobriety and fortunate for the help I received, I wanted to continue grow and achieve. I knew life could be better but I didn’t know how. I sure enough knew what I didn’t want, the crappy apartment, the dead end job and being dead broke. If you asked me what I did want I couldn’t tell you anything of consequence. Sure I wanted lots of money and things but I couldn’t really come up with anything meaningful. Why hadn’t I ever thought this through?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how little thinking I had been doing. After much pondering ‘What do I want?’ led to many other questions. In the end I realized there are 5 basic questions that I needed to answer before I could determine my new path in life. The first and foremost question being Who Am I?

Have you ever really though about that? What a tough question! Do you define yourself by what you do or how you behave? Or is it who you think others believe you are? Give it some thought. I’d love to know what you think. Be sure to add your comment.

You can read about all 5 questions and how I answered them by visiting the website for my new book “Sober Conversation”

Thank you!

2009-08-05T11:12:00.001-04:00

More people are buying my book online than I expected. Thank you very much! Keep it coming - Who do you know that is struggling with an addiction and needs some help finding recovery? Buy them the book. www.SoberConversation.com
Aaron M. Duke

Remembering.

2009-08-03T08:51:00.004-04:00

Here is a link to an organization named Volunteers of America. It contains a brief article about my stay at Project Rebound 22 years ago. This is where I first understood that I need to do more than just stop using drugs and alcohol. I was in this program for nearly six months and have been clean and sober since. I try to speak with the young men that are there now as often as possible and that is what inspired me to write "Sober Conversation"

Aaron M. Duke

Sample from the book "Sober Conversation"

2009-07-14T21:06:00.002-04:00

He could already feel the disappointment his parents would have in him, he tried to think of a way out. How could he put this off? It was far too late to do anything about it now. He couldn’t see any way out of this mess. He also had no plan to change anything. It all seemed so futile. He started to panic. He kept focusing on how bad this was going to be. He kept thinking about his father’s exasperated speech on paying attention in school. Brian remembered the bag full of pills he had stashed in his sock drawer. He tried to come up with a reason not to take all the pills and die. He needed a reason that was stronger than his fear of what was to come. He couldn’t find one. He was so tired of having no answers. He didn’t have the strength to fight back. He had no strength to ask his parents for help.
He got out the yellow pages and found the phone number for the counselor he had been going to see weekly. He told her that he had failed his report card and didn’t think he could face his parents with it. He told her that he had a big bag of pills and that he was thinking about taking all of them. Even in his clouded, disheartened mind, her answer shocked him. “Why don’t you go for a walk and wait for your parents to come home. You can talk to them then.” Brian replied “O.K.” He took her advice and went for a walk. He brought along a tall glass of water and his big bag of pills.

Sample #2 from the book "Sober Conversation"

2009-07-14T21:06:00.001-04:00

He sat in the cold rain feeling sorry for himself. There wasn’t much thinking it through. He’d had enough. Without hesitation he took two or three pills and swallowed them. Now the ice had been broken. After a brief pause, he resumed taking two or three at a time. He wasn’t sure how many were in the bag, but he took them all. He was sure that he wanted to take enough to die. This wasn’t a cry for help. He only wanted the pain to end. He took all the pills without any hesitation or doubt.
When he was done, he felt no regret. He felt nothing but relief. He wasn’t sure how long it would take or how it would happen. He didn’t care. He was just relieved that it would soon be over. Brian had supper that night with his father and step mother like it was any other night. There was no drama, no suicide note. He called no attention to himself. He gave them no reason to suspect anything was wrong. He ate, did the dishes, pretended to do his homework and went to bed.

Sample #3 from the book "Sober Conversation"

2009-07-14T21:05:00.001-04:00

Brian was shaking his head slightly. “I know this sounds stupid, but I’ve never really thought about controlling what happens to me. I’ve always just accepted whatever came along, for good or bad.”“That doesn’t sound stupid at all. You’re not alone.” Aaron reassured him. “That’s how a great many people go through life. That’s what separates the people who are achieving their goals from the people that sit around letting life happen to them. If you’re not happy with where you are, then you have to do something about it. That process starts with deciding what you want from life and knowing where you are in relation to that.”“So you’re saying I’ve got to get out of the back seat and into the driver’s seat. I have to be the one steering the bus.” Brian was starting to understand. I’m feeling so uncertain because I have no control of where I’m going. I’ve been waiting to see what happens next instead of deciding what happens next.”“Robin was right. You are a smart kid.” Aaron said with a smile. “You’re going to do just fine.”

How Well do You Deal with Change?

2007-08-15T09:01:00.001-04:00

All the circumstances that have formed my life have all changed. Everything that I know and rely on right now will change. Some folks like change, I personaly am a fan of change. Some folks truly dislike change, my wife being one of them. Regardless of you feelings on change it is going to happen. The real trick is to understand that you have some say in how change will happen. You can either let it happen and wait for the outcome or you can affect change by your behavior and decisions. If you keep drinking and getting high the changes will not be pretty. If you stop your destructive behavior the changes will be for the better. My father told me a hundred times; " A year from now you will be one year older. Who you are and what you are in one year is up to you". I hope someone hears that and uses it a lot quicker than I did.

A Little History

2007-08-09T10:07:00.000-04:00

I got sober when I was 16 years old. I know it seems awfully young but it was precipitated by stays in 2 psychiatric hospitals, a suicide attempt/drug overdose, a 3 day coma, a halfway house and a 4 month stay in rehab. I did a lot of damage in a few short years. I believe the one of the biggest reasons I got sober and stayed sober is because I completely changed my circumstances. I stopped hanging around with my old friends and found new ones in NA-AA. I also took a job as a maintenance man in a rehab my town. I went to a meeting everyday without fail. I joined a group that I liked and went on commitment meeting to speak at other groups. I tried to replace all my old habits with new positive ones. No it was not easy. Life still continues to be challenging at times but for the first time in my life I believe I am in a position to be able to help others. Working my program is not as much work as it used to be because I did the hard work in the beginning and didn't quit because it was hard. My higher power has dealt me my cards. What becomes of them is up to me. Thanks for listening to me babble!

I Forgot About Being Human!

2007-08-08T10:33:00.000-04:00

If you have read any of my blogs I'm sure you noticed that I'm generaly a positive optimistic person. I try to be the guy who will look for reasons that something CAN be done as opposed to why it Can't be done. I can usually maintain a positive outlook. But sometimes despite my best efforts I just get down. I have had a very grumpy couple of days. Then I start to put pressure on myself to snap out of it. I don't like being grumpy in front of my employees. I feel it is my job to lead by example and motivate them. The more pressure I put on myself the worse I feel. Eventually I come to my senses and realize that I am just a lowly human. Life is what life is and there's only so much I can control. It's O.K. to be bummed out for no good reason. As soon as I remember this I usually lighten up and I am back to being myself. It is amazing how I seem to forget that I'm human and give myself a lot more importance than I'm due.

Something has Changed!

2007-08-06T10:25:00.001-04:00

The last year has been very good for me. I have had some business challenges that made me want to quit and walk away and some personal issues as well. I hyave been extremely busy and get frustrated from time to time with all I have to do. I was talking with my wife over the weekend and realized that things have been hectic but everything has gone real well. We have achieved a bunch of stuff together this year all with a smile on our faces! I thought; why have things gone so well? Why when faced with more than we have been in the past, why have we risen instead of sinking? It's because we have changed. My wife and I agreed that we were happy and were grateful as hell for all we have and our wonderful family. (we have 2 boys ages 6 & 7 that are such great kids!)But we decided we wanted to live better more fulfilling lives. There has to more than work and money! We took the time to ask what would really makes HAPPY not just occupied. We asked ourselves what it would take to make that happen and took the first steps. We know it will take time and constant improvement but we're doing more and living more and are doing it with a smile on our faces. Just deciding to do something was the best step we have taken. I have more patients with my boys and gotten a little clearer on what is really important. I sincerely hope that all my fellow addicts and alcoholics can not only get sober and repair their lives but see all the amazing things that are waiting to be found by them.

When The Hell Did This Happen?

2007-08-02T15:03:00.001-04:00

Much as my addiction started slowly and crept up to bite me in the ass, I have over time become regimented, anal retentive and impatient. I never noticed it happening. I have had some unexpected house guests as of late and while I am grateful to be in a position to help them, it has illustrated how I have grown so very accustomed to having my own way! Given my unstable past I always prided myself on my ability to work with change or "roll with the punches". That is not the case anymore! Isn't it amazing how things can change right under your nose and you either don't notice or refuse to notice?

Give Me One Good Reason!

2007-07-18T09:03:00.001-04:00

We are all painfully aware of all of the bad things that can happen to us if we continue drinking and doing drugs. We have been reminded a thousand times of the destruction and loss that comes with refusing to stay sober. I knew I was ruining my life and the lives of people who love me, but that didn't stop me. When was the last time anyone thought about all the great things that can happen when you are sober? I hear all the war stories and tragedies at meetings but nobody ever follows up those stories with all the incredible things that have happened to them since they have gotten sober. Wouldn't it be nice to hear more success stories that came from people who nearly didn't make it? I'll speak for myself in saying that I absolutely had to do the 12 steps in order to put myself in a position to remain sober. Having goals and ambitions is an enormous part of my staying sober. Being sober and waiting around for time to pass is a killer for me. I thrive on being positive and working toward goals. I love helping people that want help. There is more than enough negativity out there. I would love to see more blogs that can encourage newcomers to get and stay sober. It seems to me it is easier to run to something good than to run from something bad! - Just one sober guy's opinion.

Time to Quit Whining!

2007-07-16T10:52:00.000-04:00

As does everyone on the planet, I find myself being a little ungrateful and whiny from time to time. I have the same stresses as the rest of the human race and overall I have a fantastic life. I have an amazing wife, great kids, great business and fun hobbies. I recently bought my first new car I have ever had. A shiny new BMW. I instantly got into an accident in my new car. I whined and moaned for two days. In the middle of my little temper tantrum my sister-in law shows up at my door with her three kids. She has been keeping her regular beatings by her alcoholic husband a secret until now. After he threatens to burn the house down with her and the kids in it and then smashes all the phones in the house she makes a break for my house with her kids in tow. After a stressful weekend of trying to settle down the poor kids and setting up our house for them to stay I realized what an ungrateful spoiled bastard I can be. I'm worried about a luxury item while my sister-in law is trying to stay alive. I love that we have sober blogs and that I have the opportunity to confess my stupidity to all of you. It helps me gain perspective and keep my ass in line. Thank you for listening!

My Inability to Understand My Friends

2007-07-12T11:22:00.000-04:00

Don't get me wrong, my friends are decent people and I care for them greatly. I have a few however who aren't getting the program very well. They know they have a problem and have openly admitted it, but can't seem to summon the strenght or the desire to move forward. I know this is a disease but there has to be some personal responsibility involved in getting better. Stopping your intake of drugs and alcohol is only the first in many steps needed. Even after completing the 12 steps and getting my life on a positive track, I still have to deal with life as it may be. It is difficult and painful to watch good, loving and decent people that have a ton to offer the world live in a prison of their own design. Perhaps I have forgotten what it is like to be in the grips of drugs and alcohol?

Happy Happy Joy Joy

2007-06-22T18:46:00.000-04:00

I am so happy that I began and continue down the path of personal growth. the people, techniques and ideas I have been exposed to over the last year have really help shape my life in a positive and constructive nature. While it has been difficult at times and required constant vigilence, I have seen the results in my attitude and relationships. I am grateful as hell to be sober for as long as I have and grateful that I recognized that the need for improvement is life long. Thank you to all of the positive genuine people I have met and worked with. I hope your influence reaches those who have not yet recieved it.

Powerless

2007-06-20T19:44:00.001-04:00

It is amazing how I never have life figured out. Every time I think I have something figured out I realize that life changes so fast and so often, that I can only hope to continue learning and admit that somethings I can't figure out. Some situations, people and events are completely out of my control and I ought to spend more time using the serenity prayer and moving on. After 20 years of sobriety I'm back to embracing the fundamentals. Aint life a picnic?!

Thank You!

2007-06-19T18:13:00.001-04:00

I never really stop to appreciate all the people and things that are in my every day life. This is sadly true about my family. Don't get me wrong, I try to be the best father and husband I can. When I'm not working I'm at home with them. I'm talking about truly appreciating the people that they are. I have 2 fantastic boys. Alex is 5 and Nathan is 7. They are full of energy, curiosity and amazingly still think I'm the greatest thing around. They are both smart and funny and genuinely want to make you happy. Then there's my wife. She's an incredible mother, holds a great job, she's beautiful, athletic, loving and smart. She's doing her first triathlon this year and sometimes I watch her ride away on her new bike and think I can't believe that's my wife! I better not screw this up because I'll never get this lucky again. I hope you have someone or or a group of someones that help you understand how fortunate you are. Just one man's opinion.

Expectations

2007-06-18T09:12:00.000-04:00

Have you heard the old saying "Be careful what you wish for it may come true"? I'll be damned it it isn't right on target. I'll preface this by saying that life is life. Sometimes bad stuff happens. Sometimes you have absolutely no control on people and events. With that being said, I have worked very hard over the past 9 months to change my attitude and default way of thinking. I have carried around with me the beliefs that I had when I was a sixteen years old and drinking and getting high. Back then I didn't expect anything good to happen. I usually assured myself of back situations with my bad decisions. Now I'm 37 years old. I have a wife, 2 kids, I own my own business and my decisions are much more responsible. I have noticed that over the past 9 months of expecting things to go well and being focused on how I will be happy and have the life I want, things actually have gone well! Someone told me a while back that "We travel the path of our expectations." Where is your path leading you?

Great Experience!

2007-06-14T09:08:00.000-04:00

I recently had the opportunity to visit the rehab I graduated from in March of 1987. I was the the very first resident and then the first graduate of the program. I was amazed to find the same furniture was still there with my name and date carved into the arm of the chair. It was alittle spooky being back there after so long, but they treated me very kindly. I spoke with the director of the program and several people of the company that runs it. They explained how the program works and I told them about how it has grown since I was there. After talking for about an hour and having a tour of the facility they brought all of the residents into the common room. The director introduced me and let me address the guys. It is an adolescent program for boys ranging from 15 to 18 years old. It was like going back in time looking at them. I used to sit in that exact same chair and wait for whoever was speaking to shut the hell up so I can go back to my room! I spoke to them for about 15 minutes. Most of them had no questions or any reaction at all. A couple of them wouldn't have noticed if I was on fire. But 2 of them seemed mildly interested. The staff working there were thrilled to have me there. It was like being a small time celebrity. I listened to the staff remind them of all the horrible fates that awaited them if they didn't get their act together. I'm sure these kids were well aware of this by now. I know I heard daily about how I was going to end up homeless then dead on the side of the road. I respectfuly acknowledged the comments of the staff as entirely possible, but asked the kids if they have ever considered all of the amazing and great things that may happen to them if they get their shit together. How many of us ever considered that while in rehab? I sure didn't. I'll speak for myself insaying that getting sober is absolutely necessary and much easier to achieve if I have some positive goals and ambitions to go along with the threat of impending doom. In short, the opportunity to visit these kids and try to impart a positive message hopefuly helped them but absolutely helped me appreciate what I have, who I have, and all of the fantastic things waiting for me to find them. It was great to get some perspective. Good luck everyone!